Committing to Win
by jennylyne
Summary: "Fighting to survive is like committing to win and Olivia will win...I have no doubt about that." A follow up to "Fighting to Survive".
1. Chapter 1

Committing to Win Chapter 1

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

**A/N: There have been quite a few requests for a sequel to "Fighting to Survive". While I am so grateful for the faithful readers who not only read FTS but encouraged me through each chapter, I am also aware of the desire to follow those characters through the healing process. I cannot say if I am capable of writing such a follow up, but for those readers I will at least attempt a few chapters. So as the saying goes...on the with the story.**

_Grace watched as Olivia made her way to the door. "How did you know? What made you go there, Benson?"_

_Olivia spoke without facing Grace. "Your eyes. You ever hear that phrase, eyes are the window to the soul? Well, your window was wide open, Grace Mills and it was all right there. You just have to know where to look. I looked and I saw. I saw you."_

It should have bothered Grace more than it did that Olivia Benson was able to see her; to see what she hid, what she fought, what she accepted. Most wouldn't have been able to for Grace had worked hard to separate herself from her past. She rarely allowed herself to go back for no good could come from recalling the specifics. Olivia had said that victims always hold something back and Grace believed that to be true. Survivors rarely go back unless they had to and Grace knew this to also be true. Either way, Sara Esteban had forced Grace to go back. Or as Olivia had said, that girl reached in and grabbed hold of something inside.

Grace Ann Mills had been just twelve when she met Detective Russo. There was a certain way she looked at Grace, a certain way her eyes coaxed her to talk when Grace wanted to close herself off to the world for good. Grace never forgot how the detective's dark eyes promised her she would be safe as long as she trusted her. Grace never forgot how Detective Russo kept every promise she made to her and how she fought with her and then for her when Grace couldn't. Olivia Benson had those same eyes. Sara referred to them as kind eyes and Grace would agree, but she also saw Detective Renee Russo in Olivia's eyes when she first met her.

Olivia had killed her attacker after being brutally raped and Sara had killed her father after enduring the same trauma. Grace Ann Mills had killed her father as well after years of abuse at his hands. She was twelve years old, still a child but much older than her years. She had called the police after pulling the knife from her father's back, but she refused to let them in. She was a scared little girl who was in so much pain from her assault that she wasn't sure if she were refusing to open the door or incapable of following the orders from the first responding officers.

It was Detective Russo who replaced the angry officer at the door and pleaded with Grace. Even at twelve, Grace knew they could enter if they wanted and even wondered why they didn't. Russo showed no emotion at the sight of Grace when she opened the door. Grace remembered backing away from the detective who kept her hands out away from her gun. She remembered keeping the knife close to her leg where she could easily hit the femoral artery and be done with it. She remembered Detective Russo asking her how she knew that death would be quick with such a self-inflicted injury. She was only twelve.

Grace saw herself in Olivia's eyes that day she had first been introduced to the SVU detective. She saw Russo in Olivia's eyes as well and she knew right away that she would do the very best she could for Olivia. She had made that promise to each person she was assigned to prepare, but she knew she would go above and beyond to help Olivia. Olivia had a way of speaking that appealed to Grace. Such an injured, broken woman when they met, yet the way she talked told Grace she still had fight in her. Grace heard it even if Olivia didn't.

The sky was hidden for the clouds, but that didn't dissuade Grace from making her way across the grass. If the weather was angry that would be okay for Grace could work with angry today. Her memories of her father still burned her deep, but the comforting ways and the quiet strength that was Renee Russo helped even her out. That's the way it was then and even now. Grace made it a point not to think of her father or even herself as a child, but she often let Russo into her mind.

The detective had no obligation to Grace once the case was closed, but she refused to abandon Grace. She refused to leave her to find her way, instead offering support and encouragement every step of the way. Grace held on tight to Renee after receiving her high school diploma and then again after college graduation. Renee Russo had been to both and continued to push, support and encourage. Grace had no family, her mother died while having Grace and her father died after having Grace. Too many times had Grace Ann Mills questioned life and why she had to live it. When Grace would complain of having no family, Renee would grow angry. Her words were heated but her eyes smiled and Grace knew she could never forget the way Renee talked to her. "Family is more than just blood, young one. Family is love and I love you."

And Grace loved Renee.

It had been a few months since Grace had visited Renee. The grounds were kept neat and Grace was glad for that. She made sure to make the payment that assured Detective Renee Russo's area was the best in the place. She deserved the best for as far as Grace was concerned, she was the best. It was nearing five years since she lost Renee. Grace refused to come on the anniversary to where Renee waited for her. Although she loved to remember Renee she hated recalling that date. She didn't need a specific date to remind her that she lost who she believed to be her life line. Grace didn't bring flowers, Renee didn't much like them. She assumed the tasteful arrangement around her tombstone was acceptable, at least she hoped.

"Olivia Benson is a lot like you. I have no doubts you would've liked her." Grace never announced she was there; there really was no need. She believed Renee knew, she felt Renee knew whenever she needed to talk to her; be with her. "She's so strong, so smart. So compassionate."

Grace's caught her breath as the wind instantly picked up. If it was a sign that Renee was hearing her that was okay. Grace was never scared. Never could she fear Renee. "She's a fighter. I picked up on that the day I met her. She was so hurt; physically, mentally, emotionally. She was so broken, yet she fought with a broken body, bruised heart and burned soul. I knew I would help her. I knew you would help me."

The rain that started slowly did little to pull Grace from her thoughts as she let her fingers trace the letters of Renee's name and title. NYPD. Olivia was NYPD. Grace remembered hearing the angry officers calling NYPD as they ordered her to open the door. She remembered accepting the flag that was offered to Renee's husband. His grief filled eyes motioned for the flag to be handed to Grace.

"Fighting to survive is like committing to win and Olivia will win...I have no doubt about that." Grace felt the rain pick up and it was only a matter of seconds before she was soaked through and the cold ground was no longer inviting. Still she sat and still she talked. "I won't let her fail, I refuse to let her fail."

The thunder was louder than Grace thought necessary and her attention was pulled toward the sky where she had to shield her eyes against the rain as it pelted her face. Renee had been shot and killed while on the job. Questioning a rape suspect, routine procedure, backup available and present and her partner glued to her side. Renee fought against pedophiles and rapists. She called them monsters yet she stood tall against them. Grace was twenty-eight years old when Renee was killed. Grace was working but made time for lunch with Renee that day. It was her birthday and Renee couldn't be sure she'd be available for dinner. Grace hated her birthday as a child for her father always had a party that so often continued when the other kids had gone home. And she hated her birthday now for it was just another reason to question life and why she had to live it.

Today was neither her birthday nor the anniversary of Renee's death. It was a typical rainy, spring day in New York. The air was still cool and the rain only made her body ache for the dampness but this was her home and Renee was her family. Grace let the rain water wash down her face, thankful for the way it allowed her to cry. And she cried, allowing the thunder to hide her anguish. She could almost feel the way Renee dropped her hand on her shoulder when she would get agitated. It was a subtle gesture but one that always seemed to calm; comfort. Grace cried until the rain let up and then she got up. Her clothes soaked, the weight of her jeans pulling at her hips. Grace had lost weight again and she could only tell when she wore her jeans instead of the dresses and skirts that gave her the professional look that so often defined her. She knew she needed a break. She had given so much of herself to help Olivia, and then Sara and she refused to regret any of it. Yet her body was screaming at her to step away; at least for a bit to recoup and recover. She had fought side by side with Olivia and then with Sara and now her soul needed to heal as well. Olivia's fight wasn't over, nor was Sara's and Grace promised she would be available to the both of them. And she would be.

Grace listened to the thunder as it announced the storm was moving on. She walked slowly for she was in no hurry to leave here, leave Renee. She needed a break and she would ask Trevor for just that, but she knew he had somebody for her to see that afternoon. She didn't have all the particulars, but Trevor's latest client was a husband charged with the brutal rape of his wife. Trevor was set to defend the very monster Renee and Olivia both fought against and it was Grace's job to prepare him the best way she could so that he could defend himself against the charges. Grace needed a break, maybe she needed more that just a break. Maybe she needed to move on.

The rain stopped and so did Grace as she stared at the woman leaning against her car. The rain had soaked Olivia through as well, but as she used her fingers to rake through her hair the smile she offered told Grace she didn't mind. "I didn't want to interrupt."

"Why are you here?" Grace took a few more steps so that she was positioned directly in front of Olivia who was now standing at her full height.

"Wanted to talk to you." Olivia leaned on her crutches and smiled when Grace did. "Cast came off this morning but it's hard to walk right just yet."

"I bet." Grace pulled her own hair back away from her face before tilting her head to look Olivia in the eyes. "You could've called."

"I could've, yes." Olivia had a way much like Renee and Grace instantly felt comforted by it.

"Is it same to assume you know why I'm here?" Grace was not yet ready to step away from Olivia and she shifted her weight at the same time Olivia adjusted hers against the crutches.

"I knew Renee. Not well, but I knew who she was. I now know who she was to you." Olivia's voice was clipped due to the emotion she suddenly saw in Grace's eyes. "Talk to me, Grace."

Grace caught herself as a sob escaped. "Time to turn the tables is it, Detective?"

Olivia knew the use of her former title was a sign of respect from Grace. They both knew she was no longer a detective and they both knew exactly why. "Maybe. Maybe I want to help you."

"It's been five years. Almost. She was shot and killed." Grace let the tears fall freely now, something about Olivia's presence told her it was safe to do that.

"I know. I attended the funeral." Olivia waited a few seconds before continuing. "Detective Renee Russo was your Grace. I understand."

"I know you do. I promised her, Olivia. I promised her that I would make her proud of me, you know? That I would find a way to honor her, her name...her." Grace worked hard to compose herself. "I don't know if she heard me..."

"She did." Olivia set the crutches against the car and took the few steps so that she could reach for Grace. "She heard you and she sees you, Grace. She was there in that courtroom with Sara and she was there in the governor's office when you fought for me. She can't help but be proud of you."

Grace could feel Olivia's arms surround her and she let herself think about the way Renee would do the same thing. Everybody needs somebody, doesn't matter what day, what time.

**A/N 2: Okay, guys. I need to know if I should continue or call this an epilogue to "Fighting to Survive." Your call. **


	2. Chapter 2

Committing to Win Chapter 2

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the positive response to this next story. I honestly do not have a plan for it, just going to let my muse guide me. Feedback is good, good or bad, it is always good. So, help me out and let me know...**

"Detective Russo worked out of the one-five. At least she did at the end." Olivia slid Grace's mug towards her after nodding to the waitress. "I never worked with her although I had spoken with her quite a few times."

Graced held the hot coffee mug in her hands making no attempt to drink just yet. The warmth of the small diner as well as the cup seemed to be all she needed for the moment. "She finished up with the SVU." Grace's voice lacked it's usual flare, but still Olivia found it impossible not to respond to the safe tone of it.

"Either you start or finish with the SVU; that is if you attempt it at all. It's definitely not an assignment that everybody can handle." Olivia took a sip of her own coffee which prompted Grace then to do the same.

"You spent your whole career there. Why, Olivia? How?"

"Most of it, yes. I don't always know why and I could never figure out how, but I stayed. Even after Elliot left, somehow, I stayed." Olivia let her eyes raise so that she was able to catch Grace's. "I could ask you the same. You prepare defendants for trial. The accused as you called them. You have to know they are guilty, yet you prepare them so they have a chance to get off. How do you do that, Grace?"

Grace took a few minutes to look at Olivia. Really look at the former detective who stood in the rain to talk to her. Although Olivia was once that very defendant, Grace was sure she was referring to the ones that she and Renee both hoped to put away. "I have worked for both the prosecution and the defense. I just so happen to work for Trevor Langan right now and he is as you well know, a defense attorney. How do I prepare the obvious criminal for a shot of beating the charges against them? The same way Trevor works to free them."

Olivia raised her eyebrow at Grace, allowing for the background noise of the lunchtime rush in the diner to settle her feelings about what Trevor Langan did for a living. "That's not you. You and Langan are two very different people."

"No, Olivia, we're really not. We could sit here and hash out the way the system works and what doesn't work about it, but in the end each case is specific and unique." Grace looked away from Olivia then realizing her tone was bordering angry. "There was a defense lawyer who was forced to take the case of Renee's murderer. His job was to try to get him freed of the charges against him. The charges of murdering a New York City police detective."

"A public defender." Olivia spoke softly hoping Grace would continue.

"If you had a public defender, you'd be sitting at Taconic right now...or maybe you wouldn't." Grace realized what she had implied and the expression she caught from Olivia said that she picked up on the comment as well. "Not all the accused are guilty and not all of them deserve to be punished they way they are. Each case is specific."

Olivia watched as Grace now drank often from her coffee. She recognized the actions of keeping her hands busy while her mind sorted out her thoughts and emotions. She allowed the unspoken part of the conversation to help settle their opinions. "I know, Grace. I know what Trevor did for me. I know what you did for me. I was accused of murder one and I was guilty. I could have and maybe should have gotten at least life."

"Each case is specific, Olivia." Grace pushed the mug out from in front of her and reached for Olivia's hands as her fingers were tapping nervously on the table. "You did not deserve what happened to you, nor did you deserve to go down for your actions after. Was there a better option to what you did? Legally...yes."

Olivia knew Grace didn't condone the fact that she had killed Richard the way she did, but she also knew that Grace understood completely why she had chosen such a way to stop Richard. "I had to kill him, Grace. There really was no other option."

Grace held Olivia's eyes with her own. Kind eyes, Sara had said. Grace could see her own reflexion in Olivia's eyes and wondered if it was Olivia's or her own pain that stared back at her. "I miss her terribly. I remember thinking she would be so rough and mean when I handed her the knife, but she was neither."

"Renee Russo was very good at what she did, Grace. She was good police." Olivia hated to see and feel how much Grace really did miss the fallen detective.

"She took it and set it aside and immediately stopped the other officers from touching me. They were angry, yelling, demanding that I follow their orders." Grace cringed against her own memories. "They wanted to cuff me, but Renee wouldn't let them. She said you never cuff a rape victim. Olivia, I had no idea what rape was. Years of it and I had no idea that was what it was called."

Olivia tried not to show the emotion that threatened to choke her as Grace flashed back to when she was a child. Renee Russo was Grace's saving angel that day and it was very evident that Grace had not forgotten the smallest detail.

"She refused to leave me after that. Not in the ambulance, or the hospital, or even the jail. I was just a kid, but I murdered. I'm sure she took a lot of heat for staying with me, but she stood tall when I needed her. I was just some kid to her, yet she refused to leave me alone." Grace looked away from Olivia as the tears slowly made their way down her face.

"Every cop has that one case that taunts them, that one victim that haunts them and that one child that...saves them. You couldn't have known and I doubt she did either, but she may have needed to help you as much as you needed her to." Olivia sounded strong and Grace smiled at the fact that she could almost hear Renee's voice within Olivia's words.

"You remind me so much of her, Olivia. I don't know if I realized that when I first met you. I had worked with other officers, heard their stories, felt their pain, but there was something about you that told me this was how she wanted me to pay it forward. How I could prove to her that I appreciated everything she had ever done for me."

Olivia stared at Grace, offering no response, knowing there really wasn't one needed just then. The admiration she had for Grace seemed endless and the strength Grace possessed seemed impossible. But it wasn't. Grace was stronger than any woman Olivia had known and it seemed today she struggled. Even the strong fall weak sometimes and Grace needed Olivia today. Somehow Olivia knew that as she stood in the rain watching the highly professional woman she had come to rely on; to need.

Xxxxxxx

Elliot could see Sara through the mirror if the cabinet door was opened just right. He struggled against the very simple task of tying his tie as he prepared for his day, and the way Sara watched him had caught his attention. Elliot was nervous about being alone with Sara; for her, not him. He also knew it was important for Olivia to get out of the apartment from time to time and certainly Sara didn't need a babysitter. "It's been awhile since I've had to actually get ready for work." Elliot could tie his tie, there really wasn't an issue there. His attention was on the way Sara scrutinized his every move and that altered his focus.

"Do you think Detective Amaro was a good partner for Olivia?" Sara's voice was almost like a child's when she asked questions and there was a pull in it for Elliot that felt so very familiar.

"I think he was the very best partner he could be to her, yes." Elliot didn't ask why the question. If Sara wanted to continue she would. He knew it was important for her to feel as comfortable with him as she was with Olivia.

"You don't seem to like him much."

Elliot shut the cabinet door, finished tying his tie without the mirror and joined Sara in the living room. "That's not true at all, Sara. I don't know him well is all and when I did meet him...let's just say he came with bad news."

"I like Nick." Sara stood then and approached Elliot. She raised her hands and straightened his tie before taking the necessary steps backwards to admire her work.

"He seems to be a good guy. Olivia says he is a good detective." Elliot offered Sara some coffee as he poured himself a cup. He smiled when she refused, showing him she already had orange juice. In some ways, Sara was so much like his own daughters. She was too young for coffee, despite being in her early twenties. In other ways, she was much older than her years and Elliot hated that this world could force children to grow up too fast.

"I remember you, Elliot. Olivia introduced you as Elliot, not Detective Stabler when you came to my house when my mother was killed." Sara watched Elliot as he prepared breakfast, once again refusing his offer for toast. "You stayed back though. Only Olivia talked to me."

"Olivia is very good with dealing with kids. She knew something was going on with you right away and reacted. It's just who she is." Elliot tried not to look to long at Sara when he responded. He was pleased she was talking to him and was careful not to make her nervous about doing just that.

"It's terrible what happened to her. Now she can't be a police officer anymore. It's just not fair." Sara's words sank and Elliot knew she needed his undivided attention then. He walked over to where Sara had taken a seat at the table and joined her.

"Sara, it is terrible what happened to her and believe me I hate it. Olivia is strong, so strong and she will not only survive this but she will come out on top. It's just...it's just who she is." Elliot watched as Sara took in his words. "I hate that I am going back to work and she is not. I know it bothers her, but we'll get through this. We'll all get through this...eventually."

Sara's eyes dropped when it seemed Elliot was waiting for a response. He got up and continued preparing his breakfast, hoping he didn't say too much too soon.

"You really should eat some breakfast. Most important meal of the day." Elliot smiled forcing Sara to as well.

"No, thank you. I've learned to skip breakfast over the years...especially if I had any hope of eating the rest of the day. Prison breakfast was terrible and most of the time I couldn't even identify what it was, let alone eat it."

Elliot laughed and his low tone made Sara smile. "You going to get out of here today at all? There's no rush to do anything, but it looks like a great day out now that the rain has stopped. Maybe hit Central Park?" Elliot's nonchalant question wasn't lost on Sara at all. She had been scared to death to go anywhere without Olivia and even then it was a struggle. The outside world just didn't interest her and she stopped short of admitting it scared her to death.

Elliot didn't push, just set the plate of eggs and toast in front of Sara. He then grabbed his keys and headed for the door. "You're not going to eat breakfast? The most important meal of the day?"

"Those are eggs and there are two pieces of toast with butter. Jam is in the refrigerator if you'd like. My cooking isn't the best, but at least you should be able to recognize what you're eating." Elliot opened the door before turning again to face Sara. "I have a very important meeting to sit through. One that I have been running from for a long time. I'm not so sure breakfast will work for me this morning, you know?"

Yes, Sara did know and the nervous grin Elliot gave her told her he knew she did. The sound of the lock turning from the outside of the door was both haunting and comforting. Elliot was making sure the door was locked and she was safe. That's what she knew but what she heard was the numerous times the cell door was locked behind her forcing her to stay where she was whether it be her cell with her cellmate or her solitary cell alone. Sara wondered if it was wrong for her to miss prison. She knew the way it was there, the way things worked, what to expect. Even if the unexpected was the norm, she was prepared. Now she slept a few feet from Olivia, waking to listen to the quiet nightmares as they awoke the strong detective. Once awake she could hear Elliot as he made his way to her room, never entering, just standing outside her door. Sara had listened to the screams of many women during her stay at Taconic, but none of them bothered her the way Olivia's did and there was barely any sound with Olivia's horror filled sleep. If Sara didn't hear Olivia during the night, then she knew the next morning when she greeted her with a smile and a desperate glare. Sara knew what Olivia was dealing with and the way Olivia looked at her told her she knew she did.


	3. Chapter 3

Committing to Win Chapter 3

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

Cragen looked up just in time to see Elliot enter the squad room. He could feel the beginnings of a smile as he took in the sharply dressed detective. He had missed Stabler in many ways, but mostly he had missed the team that was him and Benson. He had seen it before over the years, one did not function properly without the other. It was just fact that they understood and now would once again have no choice but to accept.

Elliot Stabler walked with a confidence that was hard to deny, but his eyes scanned the room in a nervous motion that Cragen picked up on immediately. Stabler was off balance and he looked as though he was lost in what had become his home away from home for so many years. Cragen could feel the pull in his chest for Benson had that same look; she too was off balance without her partner.

"Stabler, my office now!" Cragen tried not to smile as Elliot met his eyes through the glass of the open door. He figured Elliot would appreciate a little sense of normalcy despite having no clue what was accepted as normal anymore.

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it. Not yet anyway." Elliot took his captain's extended hand, thankful for the firm grip and welcoming gesture.

"Welcome back, son." Cragen motioned for Elliot to have a seat. "I don't expect what awaits you today will be very easy."

Elliot locked his gaze on Cragen, neither man even attempting to speak for a long few moments. There really was no need for words as they both knew what the other was feeling. Finally Elliot took a deep breath. "I appreciate what you've done for me, you've got to believe that, but I won't be able to stay here. With the SVU."

"I don't expect you to. It's time to move on, probably was years ago." Cragen leaned back in his chair, raising his arms so that his hands rested comfortably on top of his head. He was tired as well, there was no denying that he too had stayed too long. "First you get your head shrunk, then you decide."

Elliot nodded. "My guess is there won't be much discussion about Jenna and the shooting. He'll hit me with my partner, the fact that I abandoned her and the tragedy she endured...without me."

"My guess is that will be up to you. You know how to play the game, know how to talk around the subject at hand and how to avoid the emotion. None of that will benefit you this time." Cragen leaned across the desk so that he could clearly look Elliot in the eye. "Nobody blamed you for shooting that girl, least of all your partner. The anger that has yet to be uncovered for abandoning her is what you will need to accept, process and repair...if possible."

Elliot stared emotionless at Cragen. He heard him, he felt how he too was angry at him for leaving Olivia the way he did. He didn't attempt to speak, knowing he had a long road ahead of him as far as earning Olivia's forgiveness and then her trust.

"Now's the time to see if you're ready to return to the job. You'll know before they will. I suggest you don't hide, you don't deflect and you don't deny what you're feeling. There's no time for that and quite frankly I am sick and tired of you two doing this to each other." Cragen was angry and it was evident in his words.

"Captain?"

"I know what you're doing for Olivia...now. I believe she would never had survived her ordeal had it not been for you coming back, but she cannot afford to wonder about you while she heals. Am I making myself understood, son?" Cragen got to his feet prompting Elliot to do the same. "Olivia will never officially hold her title again; she knows this. However, she'll never stop looking at you as her partner, it's just who she is."

Elliot kept his eyes trained on Cragen. He hadn't even began his evaluation and he was already feeling worse than expected.

"Allowing her to help you will help her in so many ways. Don't deny her that. You can only do so much for her right now, she knows this too. However she can help you in ways you can't even imagine if you just allow her the chance." Cragen then walked around the desk so that he was standing face to face with his detective. He once again took Elliot's hand in a healthy handshake. "Good luck, son."

Elliot had no words. He held Cragen's hand a little longer than what was expected, but neither man seemed to notice or care. He made his way out into the squad room where Nick stood to greet him. He offered his hand and Elliot was quick to take it. Again no words and Elliot moved past Olivia's desk that was now occupied by another detective. It was the end of Benson and Stabler at the one-six and there was very little to suggest they were ever the force they were right here in this room. Elliot made his way to the elevator almost hearing Olivia's voice as she called for him. He looked up at the busy commotion in the squad room and allowed his memory to show him a picture of his partner at her desk just before the doors closed.

Reality said she was not coming back and neither was he. Their professional partnership was indeed over and he had to admit he had decided that when he walked away after the shooting. It was made clear to him that Olivia refused to accept that he wasn't coming back. Yet here he stood where she wouldn't. Elliot straightened his tie and roughly ran his hands over his jaw. He had just shaved a few hours earlier but the rough feel of his own skin was enough to pull him back to the now. Now he had to face his past, his future and what was his reality. He would prepare to become Detective Stabler again. Without her.

**Xxxxxxxxxxxxx**

Olivia let herself into what was now her home. She missed her apartment, but was careful not to dwell on what was no longer. She was thankful for what Elliot had done for her by getting her away from the memories, the sounds and smells of Richard Morris. She believed if he could somehow stop the nightmares, he would have already done that as well. She knew that would be up to her, yet another fight that she would have no choice but to win.

The apartment was quiet and Olivia was careful not to disturb the peacefulness she felt as she dropped her keys and purse on the table. She knew where Elliot was but was concerned for Sara who had yet to leave the apartment since coming to stay with them. Olivia made her way to Sara's bedroom where she knocked lightly before pushing on the already slightly opened door. "Sara?"

There was no response but Olivia doubted Sara was sleeping. She had learned Sara's sleep habits already and she was still very much on prison time. She backed away knowing that she had announced her presence and Sara would come join her if she wanted company. The couch was inviting and Olivia made her way towards it. The throbbing in her leg a very sore nuisance now that the cast was gone. It took an effort to remember that she still was not able to walk the way she used to. The sharp, stabbing pains were usually enough to remind her of her injury and her immediate past. She closed her eyes to await the pain to pass. She was becoming quite good at pain management and wondered if pain would ever not be a constant for her.

"Olivia?" Sara's soft voice only told Olivia what she already knew. Olivia had her eyes closed but she was still very aware of her surroundings. Part cop, part inmate. Either way she sensed Sara before she heard her and she was very glad to see her when she opened her eyes to her name being called.

Olivia offered a warm smile and was always pleased when Sara responded with one of her own. "How're you feeling?"

"I'm okay. You look like you're hurting." Sara nodded to Olivia's leg that she had managed to pull up onto the couch.

"Like everything, it's going to take time to heal." Olivia stared at Sara, hating the way she seemed so defeated, so lost. "Let's get out of here for a while. It's beautiful out."

"I don't know, not really feeling so good. You know?" Sara turned to return to her room but stopped when Olivia carefully called her name.

"I think some fresh air will do you good." Sara and Olivia both knew what was implied. Olivia looked exhausted, but yet she was concerned for Sara.

"Elliot suggested I go to Central Park today." Sara studied Olivia who held her gaze, encouraging her to continue with her thought. "His kids are so lucky to have him for a father."

"Yes. Yes they are and they appreciate him and love him." Olivia smiled at Sara then hoping she would take Elliot up on his suggestion. "Come on, Sara. Come with me, just for a little while."

The air was cool and neither woman seemed to notice until the wind kicked just a bit. Olivia found the first open bench and collapsed onto it. "This looks like the perfect spot to people watch."

"Why would you want to do that?" Sara sat down next to Olivia, thankful for her decision not to travel too far from the apartment.

"Old habits die hard, I suppose." Olivia stole a glance at Sara who was already focusing on the women and children that played at the little park close by.

"Olivia, do you think you'll ever not think like a cop?" Sara studied Olivia's face and was grateful for the way Olivia didn't react to the question. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked such a thing.

"No, Sara. I think part of me will always think like a cop. I'll always watch people, read them, second guess their intentions." Olivia took a deep breath. "I doubt you'll ever stop doing the same. It who you are, who we are."

Sara was silent as she watched the children some more. She pulled her jacket tighter when the wind picked up. "Your eyes would've given you away, you know. Eventually somebody would have figured out you were a cop."

"That obvious?" Olivia smiled although she knew there was nothing to smile about concerning what Sara was implying.

Sara shook her head. "Mel knew you were a cop. Maybe not in the beginning, but she figured it out."

Olivia closed her eyes, trying not to replay the riot in her head. "She didn't call me on it. Why?"

"She had her reasons." Sara shrugged with her answer. "Everybody has their own reasons for what they do or don't do in there. There are unspoken rules, but the number one rule is to look out for number one."

Olivia knew she could try to figure out when Mel may have figured out that she had been a cop, but there really was no need now. "Sara, why did you avoid me the way you did. You knew exactly who I was, but yet you stayed away."

Sara stared ahead, smiling slightly at the way a young mother cradled her crying child. "Time stands still when you're in prison. You can't afford to visit the past or to dream of a future. Your every thought must be of what is going on right then. You have to live in the moment as they say."

Olivia reached out and gently touched Sara's arm. The gesture caused Sara to look up into Olivia's eyes and the haunting stare was instantly there. "There's no need to go back there. You can afford to dream of a future now."

"I don't know what I'd do. I barely graduated high school. My family is gone and I am my past." Sara looked away from Olivia but she couldn't hide how her eyes closed her off.

"You're not, Sara. You're not your past. There are so many opportunities for you. It'll take time and yeah, you'll have to work through what happened to you in your past. But the rewards are great, Sara." Olivia turned her body so that Sara was forced to look at her.

"What kind of future are you looking at Detective Benson?" Sara's tone was challenging and her words accomplished exactly what Olivia suspected Sara wanted them to. Sara was not ready to look toward her future or deal with her past and maybe neither was she.

"I'm not sure, not yet." Olivia leaned back against the park bench. She too watched the children play, focusing on the mothers that hovered close by. It all seemed so simple, the world seemed right when there was smiling, laughing children. "Neither of us deserved prison, neither of us asked for what happened to us."

"Yet here we are." Sara turned toward Olivia, she was so very guarded and her eyes told Olivia she was still very much in that world.

"Yeah, here we are. We are not in prison but central park. We are not watching women to decide if their next move will be against us, but we're watching women love and play with their children." Olivia grasped Sara's hand tightly knowing Sara would not look away with the contact. "Sara, this world can be so cold, so ugly. We both know that. But it can be beautiful too. You'll see that in time, I promise you that."

Sara searched Olivia's eyes. She felt like a child again as she remembered doing this same very thing when Olivia carried her from her father's home. Sara hated that she couldn't control her emotions like she could while in prison. The few tears that made their way down her cheeks were proof that she was slowly removing herself from the world she had come to accept as hers.

"Sara, I don't know what the future holds for you, or for me. But I know that I am committed to you." Olivia gently pulled Sara into her chest. She could feel the younger woman shaking as she fought against her fear of the unknown. "You fought for me when I needed you the most. There's no way I can forget that."

Olivia allowed Sara to take however much time she needed. Tears were not something she was used to and the unexpected display of emotion stole Sara's control. Olivia sensed this and kept her arms tightly around Sara until she was ready to pull away. Her guarded stare was gone, but her tense posture was not and Olivia knew that may never change. Sara would always be on guard at least at some level. That was what they had taught her in the academy. Always be aware of your surroundings. Always be ready.

Olivia got to her feet, feeling Sara do the same. She took a moment to look up at the perfectly blue New York sky. She found it ironic that what they taught her as a new recruit was really no different than what Sara had learned on her own. Different worlds, same fight.


	4. Chapter 4

Committing to Win Chapter 4

I don't own SVU or the characters associated with SVU.

_"Richard, please, don't do this." Olivia cringed as he forced her against the wall of her bedroom. She barely registered the picture that fell from the wall as her body slammed up against it. Richard ignored her pleas as he forced his knee up between hers to further disable her._

_"Richard, I'm a police officer. Things will be so much worse…" Richard silenced her with a forceful slap that caused her to slide down the wall slightly. Olivia forced herself to stay in the now, refusing to let her mind take her back to Sealview and Lowell Harris._

_It was almost as if Richard was waiting for her to decide what she wanted to do. Olivia had to make a decision whether to concede to his demands or to continue to fight what would ultimately be a losing battle. She used what strength she had to shove Richard a few feet from her; enough to allow her to break free once again. She made it a few feet before his weight was on her with a crushing tackle._

_"No!" Olivia's voice was forced as her breathing was compromised. Richard hovered over her, almost daring her to strike him again. "Richard, please."_

_Richard didn't speak, he just stared at her while he used his body to restrain her. Olivia feared the trance like gaze he subjected her to and wondered if he wasn't on something. Olivia felt yet another crushing blow to her face as Richard delivered another shot, this time closed fist._

_He effortlessly pulled Olivia up off the ground so that she had to grab him to keep her balance. He looked hard and ominous as he stood holding her in his powerful grip. Her frantic pleas only managed to arouse him further as he watched her flinch against his threatening fist. He turned and with a single gesture managed to throw her onto her bed. Olivia used the momentum to propel herself up only to be flattened under his weight once again._

_Her body was telling her to accept the abuse, but her mind continued to fight. She was Olivia Benson. A New York City Detective. A SVU detective at that. She couldn't let him rape her, here in her own home. She flexed every muscle in an effort to refuse him from his continuous assault on her body. Another harsh slap sent her into a whimpering cry that only excited him more._

_Her body was giving out on her, but her mind was on overdrive. She had escaped Lowell Harris, barely, but it was becoming clear that she wouldn't escape Richard Morris. He used his strong forearm against her throat to prevent her from being able to struggle against his efforts. She felt her shirt rip open at the same time she felt his leg effortlessly part hers. She was so easily immobilized but she couldn't dwell on that too much as she found herself concentrating on breathing. He had one arm pinned under his heavy torso while the other frantically pulled at the arm that restrained her._

_"No! No!" Olivia couldn't believe this was really happening. She felt her pants release at the waist and slide down her legs. His heavy body was able to once again restrain her once he had managed to remove her pants completely. She opened her eyes to find Richard only inches from her face. He had a crazed look on his face as he stared at her._

Sara knew better than to touch Olivia to wake her, but she hated the way she suffered even in her sleep. She decided she would have to take the chance that Olivia would unintentionally hurt her. "Olivia."

Olivia fought in her sleep and there was no guessing as to what was causing her such distress. Sara had to wake her cellmates often during her stay in prison and knew it was always appreciated afterwards. Sara was scared, but more afraid for Olivia. Although she didn't, and probably wouldn't ever know the details of Olivia's attack, she knew it to have been brutal.

Sara called Olivia's name once more as she approached the couch where the older woman had fallen asleep after their time in the park. Sara expected Olivia would swing out if she just shook her, so she decided to do what she had done in the past. She timed it perfectly, placing her forearm against Olivia's throat. The pressure, the pain and the sudden loss of breath made Olivia's eyes snap open. She stared at Sara with an angry fear that made Sara brace against whatever Olivia would give her.

The grip Olivia had on her arm was enough to make Sara cry out and the sound of her voice was now enough to pull Olivia from her hell.

"Sara? What are you doing?" Olivia refused to let go of Sara's arm despite her eyes pleading with her to release her.

"I'm sorry, Olivia. I had to." Sara tapped Olivia's wrist with her free hand, hoping to get the former detective to release the death grip. "You were dreaming, I'm sorry. Olivia, please!"

Olivia suddenly realized she was hurting Sara and quickly released her. "Why would you do that?"

"I can't just wake you, you'd kill me." Sara got to her feet, tenderly rubbing her arm. "Are you okay?"

Olivia sat up, silently begging her heart to slow down so she could process what just happened. She remembered being awoken the same way while in jail and despite the fact that it was Sara the process was still so unnerving. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'm sorry, for...if I...are you okay?" Olivia wondered if she would have really hurt Sara had she not been able to wake up in time.

Sara took a few steps back from Olivia, taking a defensive stance that was purely habit. She waited until Olivia got to her feet and began to approach her. "It takes a long time you know, before you actually sleep."

Olivia stopped a few feet from Sara. She recognized the hollow stare and knew not only had she gone back there, so had Sara. Olivia could feel her legs again and her breathing was beginning to even out. She studied Sara wondering how she managed all these years on her own. "Do you sleep yet, Sara?"

"Not too often. I try to stay awake for a long time so that I'm too exhausted to even dream. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't." Sara looked up at Olivia wishing there was something she could do for her. "Do you dream about him or prison?"

"Mostly him." Olivia suddenly felt weak and she quickly found her way back to the couch. "Can only stand for so long before..."

"Why did you shoot him, Olivia?" Sara refused to move closer instead took a few more steps away from Olivia who seemed genuinely surprised at her question.

The apartment was suddenly noiseless, the hum of the traffic below no longer a background constant. Olivia took a long time before she looked Sara in the eyes. "I shouldn't have. I should have cuffed him and called it in." Olivia could feel her body shaking and she could hear her words waver, but Sara was looking for something.

Sara made her way over to the couch where Olivia seemed to welcome her close presence.

"I couldn't do his time with him, waiting until he got out, wondering if he'd do this to somebody else, wondering if he'd come back for me." Olivia's words were almost whispered. "It was really the only choice I had."

"Now what?" Sara's tone was angry. "You're no longer a cop, you're hurt still and you can't sleep. It'll get better, that's what they keep telling us and it never does, Olivia. It never gets any better, in fact things just get worse."

Olivia turned her body to face Sara. She took Sara's hand only then noticing the scar that ran the length of her palm. She traced it with her finger, refusing to look up knowing Sara wouldn't meet her gaze. Her heart slammed against her chest just seeing proof of how Sara had to fight to survive both in and out of prison. "It'll get better, Sara. I believe that. I have to believe that."

Sara knew Olivia wouldn't ask about her scar but the gentle way she acknowledged it was enough for the both of them. "Do you think you could take me to where they buried my mother? I don't know where she is."

"Sure." Olivia leaned back against the couch, pleased when Sara relaxed enough to do the same. "I'll find out where she is."

Sara wasn't sure if visiting her mother was what she needed or even wanted to do, but there was always something that pulled at her when she thought of how she never got the chance to say goodbye. "I'm going to try to sleep a bit, maybe you don't for a while."

Olivia closed her eyes, but instead of Richard's angry eyes she saw Sara's fearful ones. Things would get better, they just had to.

**Xxxxxxxxxxx**

Trevor Langan considered his time to be valuable to those that paid for it and also to those he paid. The irritated glance he offered instead of a verbal greeting was enough for Grace to offer an apology, but not an excuse. He wouldn't hear the reason for her tardiness, wouldn't much care.

Grace nodded at the man Trevor was slated to defend as he sat in cuffs at the small table the jail provided. She noticed but ignored the way his eyes never met hers, yet managed to take the rest of her in. "Good afternoon, Mr. Edwards. I'm Grace Ann Mills."

"You're amazing, Grace." Nolan Edwards was a decent looking man, barely out of his thirties. He grinned as if he was entitled to more than proper representation.

"Never heard that one before. Shall we get down to business? I have read all I could get my hands on concerning the charges that have been filed against you." Grace found it difficult to look at Nolan Edwards, not wanting to look for what would help him beat these charges. She wondered why Trevor insisted on taking these seemingly impossible cases, he was beyond the public defender that would normally be stuck with such a trial as this.

Trevor knew he would sit in on this meeting. He warned Nolan more than once to pay attention to what Grace was saying to him. Although Grace never dressed inappropriately, he wished she would have dressed down for this particular meeting. The blatant disrespect was beginning to get to Trevor and he knew it was all Grace could do to stay professional.

"I didn't rape my wife, Miss Mills. We simply had sex. We're married and that's what married people do." Nolan believed he would beat these charges like he had in the past. Grace could only shake her head when she read through the past complaints against him from his wife.

"So, somebody else put her in the hospital, Mr. Edwards? Did somebody else have sex with your wife because I got to tell ya, the exam results suggest your wife was indeed raped. Brutally raped, Mr. Edwards." Grace slapped the folder down onto the table not caring that the pictures of Mrs. Edward's battered body slipped out for full viewing.

"It wasn't rape. She is my wife." Nolan glared at Grace.

"So, are you saying because she is your wife that this can't be rape? Somebody raped your wife, Mr. Edwards and until you own that there really is nothing I can do to help you." Grace got to her feet, quickly sliding the photos together to replace them within the file.

"You ever been raped, Miss Mills? You bitches want it, but if it's not exactly the way you want it, all the sudden it's rape." Nolan grinned at Grace as she forced herself not to go at him.

"There really is nothing I can do for you. Good luck to you, Mr. Edwards." Grace was quick to leave the room and knew she would have at least a few minutes before Trevor would join her outside the prison and give her hell for bailing on his client. She had even less time than she thought she'd have as Trevor appeared before she was ready.

"You want to tell me what's going on? You walked out on a client, this is not like you, Grace." Trevor was angry, yet his controlled voice did little to calm Grace today.

"That man raped his wife. Hurt her bad, Trevor and smiles about it. Claims it isn't rape, because she's his wife? I can't do this." Grace wanted to pace to calm herself, but stood tall in front of Trevor knowing she needed to be angry right then.

"It's rape, there's no doubt. Our job is to find a way to create a doubt in the minds of the jury." Trevor figured he would lose his ace on this and was prepared after watching her with Nolan Edwards. "Just do your job, Grace. I told you about getting emotionally involved with the defendants we represent."

"I'm sorry, Trevor. I cannot help that man beat these charges. He beats the charge against him and then what? He takes it out on her for pursuing this in the first place? He rapes her again, this time it's even worse because he knows he will get away with it." Grace was suddenly furious. How was she ever able to look the other way and just do her job. Nolan Edwards was the very monster both Olivia and Renee fought against. She felt as though she would be betraying them both by spending one more minute talking to that man.

"Grace, I have a job to do and so do you. I don't like what he has done any more than you do, but it is not my job to have an opinion." Trevor stared Grace down hard and she knew what was coming and braced for it. "You work for me, not for him. Your job is to find a way to help him beat these charges. There are ways for his wife to remain safe if she chooses to reach out for help. That is not our concern."

Grace looked up at the sky, almost as if asking for strength. "I can't do this anymore, Trevor. Not every defendant is guilty, I know that and in those cases we work to get justice for the accused. Nolan Edwards is a guilty son of a bitch and I refuse to help him."

"You walk away from me again, Grace, there will be no coming back. There will be no resigning, I will terminate you and you know how that will look for you in the future." Trevor's controlled tone was now threatening and Grace took a moment to ask herself if she could do what was needed for Mr. Edwards.

"Terminate me, Mr. Langan." Grace turned without waiting for a response from her former boss. The wind that blew her hair in front of her eyes felt good against the heat that burned her skin. She was angry and sickened at what she had been asked to do. She understood her job and what it all entailed. She had helped on many cases where she wasn't particularly fond of the defendant. There was something about this one that said enough was enough.

Grace was once again jobless and once again it was her choice to stand up for what she believed to be right. She went to bat for Olivia and it had cost her her job. Now, she refused to go to bat for Nolan Edwards and that too would cost her her job. She would be okay, somehow she felt she would be better for her decision. Renee would have applauded her for her strength. She often told Grace to stand taller than her height for pride could not be measured in inches. Grace wore heels to give her added height, ironically enough the first thing to go when she got into the car was her shoes. She would be okay, she would have to be.


End file.
